Dear Deborah,
I was about to walk into the break room, when I heard some vet techs inside complaining about me. They called me “Dr. Know-It-All” and not in a nice way.
I was very surprised. I thought they respected me––and my knowledge of veterinary medicine. But that wasn’t the problem. They said I always acted like I knew more than them about their culture. And about raising their kids. And even their way of baking oatmeal cookies.
Apparently, I act like I know more than everyone – about just about everything.
Now, it is part of my role to manage the vet techs and sometimes to teach them things, and I’m doing very well on that front. But when it comes to friendly conversations, like on a coffee break, it sounds like I’m flunking out.
This has been a hard pill to swallow. But I’d really like to improve my relationships and conversations with the vet techs, and in general. Any advice on this?
—No More “Dr. Know-It-All “
Dear No More “Dr. Know-It All”,
Overhearing people dissing us is never pleasant, especially when it takes us by surprise. But you did a great job of not thoughtlessly reacting in the moment and instead taking time to explore how to remedy the situation.
Let’s first take a look at what may be going on for you, and then I’ll provide some suggestions for how to improve your conversations, and your social and working relationship with the vet techs.
Sometimes when people are in positions of authority at work, like you are, you may be relied on be “the expert.” You may then, inadvertently, fall into a similar “expert” role when socializing.
This can be remedied by having more self-awareness when you’re switching gears with your team, from medical care into socializing. Additionally, you can try some of the following tips for better conversations.
Tips for better conversations
- Ask questions that show interest and curiosity, not questions that sound like fact-checking.
- Listen to the person who is speaking, not the comebacks that may be percolating in your head.
- Be aware of your body language, and avoid crossed arms and what seem like smug looks, by staying open and relaxed.
- Avoid starting sentences with “know-it-all lingo,” such as, “Actually…” or “The truth is…”
- Aim to connect rather than correct – or correct by asking questions that gently steer people to the right answer.
Sometimes people with above-average intellects also mistakenly believe intelligence in one area transfers to intelligence in another area (or even all areas). For example, if you are highly intelligent about veterinary medicine, you may therefore believe you are highly intelligent about co-worker communication. (Some psychologists refer to this tendency to believe intelligence in one area implies an equal level of intelligence in another area as an example of the Dunning-Kruger Effect.)
Another great way to counter any know-it-all tendency is to improve your metacognition skills, which as you may know is just a fancy way to say: improve your ability to examine your own thoughts and reflect on yourself objectively. This may become increasingly easier and more comfortable as you see success with new approaches to social conversations.
As far as improving your relationships with the vet techs: I’d like to propose two paths, and you can determine if either (or both) are a fit for your personality and your work situation.
- Become a better communicator and listener, and then let them notice. Once you’ve improved your conversational skills, allow some time for the vet techs to realize your new socializing behavior. This may organically change their opinion of you. But you also may want to consider an alternative, particularly if they appear stuck in their perceptions of you, or you want to change the situation sooner.
- You can Invite an open discussion about the situation. Let the vet techs know you overheard them, and about the self-awareness it helped you gain. Also, let them know how you plan to communicate differently going forward. Separately, consider raising their awareness of the effects of negative gossip in a work environment. This could be done in a separate discussion or even as part of a communication or teamwork training for your staff.
With your great openness to positive change, I believe there will soon be “no more “Dr. Know-It-All.”
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